For past the 10 years my hair has always been black, but moving forward know more. Why is this a big deal well it’s really not but it’s a step forward in my journey. Moving forward just a cut and call it day. The feeling is old, the reason well I don’t have one I just wanna continue evolving. Small changes come from deep wells.
.It has been sometime since my running was affected by an injury but it is now. Sunday evening as I ran through the point place my right leg felt extra heavy, my calf was extremely tight and my run was starting to go down hill two miles in. I pushed through and told my self to soak in the tub but never did. Yesterday i got home from work and went straight to sleep hoping with more rest the leg would feel back to it’s norm. My Hopw didn’t work out as planed, i went out last night and literally just a few feet this discomfort came in my knee cap and Achilles.
Recently I have been frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted by life. Everyday has seem to be a struggle run’s have not been as good and my imagination seems to not allow the dreams to be as clear. Wanting to gain better perspective of understanding some of my want’s are unrealistic and stemming from thinking errors that go deeper into infertility. Really I know nothing I acquire will be maintained unless I change some of my unrealistic expectations. The harder the struggle the bigger the breakthrough.
It’s been almost a decade since I lived here and many memories and emotions often come through my mind. It’s weird I use to wanna be seen and show off, now it’s almost i don’t want anyone seeing me. I don’t know if this is where I am suppose to be but yet I am. What’s next I often ask myself and often I feel life is on repeat. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Sometimes I feel worthless and disgusting like who wants me after everything I experienced assuming people view me as a freak. I continue daily to tap into my imagination and pray to God I am doing what he wants.
My cats are my everything I love them to death. Yeah I know a 32 year old man and his two cats, yea thats me. Sometimes being lonely is the current situation but lonely is not real with my babies. It’s not manly to talk about my cats well I beg to differ, I think it’s the measure of mans heart to be able to take care of his animal. Every night cookie lays next to me cuddled in my arm and Cam acts as the big brother and lays at my feet almost as he is protecting us. I don’t have a lot but what I do have is Cam and Cookie.
Why the accient you from down south, I remember the question and the feeling it always brought. Smart passive aggressive comments would always follow after I would respond with with my head down. I was a white kid who only has black friends, that was my environment and where I felt most accepted. I remember as a kid I would play sandlot football at a local park and the white kids would call me “nigga fat” those words will never be forgotten and neither will those individuals who say them. I just wanted friends to fit and now only wanna stand out. I am not here too stick it to the haters I’m only here to bring hope to the misfits. Growing up was never accepted by kids because of how walked and talked, now I stand for the broken, the traumatized and all those struggling with something. My voice is full of passion and energy that stems from the pain. My mission and purpose to keep children safe from being victims of childhood trauma. Preventing adverse trauma will emanate the symptoms that fill your newsfeeds today.
Never been the cool kid always been a misfit.. white kid in a black neighborhood just trying to fit in always been on the outside looking in, those experiences of childhood all the way to modern day have taught me many things. Most of all I learned being cool is being vulnerable and being fake is never cool. I use to have parties so I could make the scene perfect like a movie but now I realize prefect only occurs in movies. Leave me with nothing drugs would never be an option all due to the fact I never got clean using a program I got clean because I wanted to create a life that most children dream of. I’m not on this earth to contribute to symptom monitoring, I am however going to address root causes of bigger problems, yeah I know not a lot of money in it but it’s real. I sold my soul trying to fit in and find my voice, now I talk about real news with my real voice and am loved more then ever. I made it fuck what you think, I made this it’s not much to some but it’s everything to me. Grateful for the life given! I rather have less and be impeccable, then live a lie.
The higher the ACE score translates to less opportunity to live a productive life. Experiencing more adverse childhood experiences leaves a child more acceptable to having cognitive delays, education gaps and neurological interruption. Human trafficking, addiction, criminal behavior and obesity all symptoms of childhood trauma. #education #childhood #neurology #gap #liveproduction #interrupts
This post does contain explicit language and disturbing references. The fight for your sexuality is something I know all to well. I link homosexuality to two things a parent being absent from a child’s life and childhood sexual abuse. When I have done research and case studies I came across the gender of the parent missing is commonly the gender the child does not engage with intment relationships. I was sexually abuse as a child I was penteated and forced to give oral sex for over a years time. I will say this I remember being at the store as kid as asking myself do I like boys or girls, crazy to think about now. Sexually I was confused I didn’t understand the bodies natural reaction from stimulation. I am sure if I didn’t grow up even as a young kid dreaming of being a dad, husband or a great athlete I would of had a great chance to be homosexual. I fought for my dreams and my sexuality through some of the tuffest adversity. My early 20’s arrived and the mask was well formed with muscles and tattoos. I found my self trying to buy love through what I had and this even meant selling my body to obtain money. With money I thought the woman of my dreams would come but not realizing those were major thinking errors. I look back with no shame, I stand still with pride knowing I will fight for my Dreams until they become my today.
Depression and food cravings appear during times of idle time, in these moments I create to help silence the pain. Just as I write this I will tell you it helps to get the trash out of the system, trash being negative thoughts,depression and feelings of worthlessness. The best fix comes from the movement of the human body, the dopamine releases and the mind feels an unbelievable dose of optimism that allows an escape to ones imagination.