I just wanna scream in frustration, I can't suppress the feeling it wants out so bad. Feeling no control has me wanting to control the everything. Looking for a glimpse of optimism to appear has me so tired. I know to change our behaviors we must change our thinking and my thinking has really sucked today. The thoughts of more stuff done to my car fancy rims and tires oh yeah that's gonna make me happy. I am yelling at myself stop thinking that way, been there done that. I just wanna yell I am so tired of always being alone!!!!! I am not a blogger, author or a inspirational speaker, I am simply someone who don't wanna feel alone anymore. This is one of my outlets to be vulnerable and transparent so I don't feel so isolated . This is not new from writing on my bedroom walls with a sharpie my deepest feelings , to cutting my face at 18 years old just so I would be noticed. I was fat so I got skinny, i was a white kid who was around all black kids so became black, I was wanting to girls so I took steroids and drugs to make myself confidence. I would do anything to be loved,, anything for a night to remember. Now I sit here lonely as all hell wondering will I ever not be or will I ever be loved by a woman for who I am. I know one thing I will
never do something I don't love to be loved. I get asked come out let's go to bar 145 etc or hey man let's get drunk, that does not make me happy so I am gonna pass. I rather be the REAL me even if I am alone..