What a year to say the least, I sit here in the house I grew up in. The year has brought joy, tears and growth. Last year my dad was here celebrating NYE today he watches over us. From running the glass city half marathon too publishing my book and redoing the home my great grandparents built but I will not remember this year for any of it. May 10th seems like yesterday the day has forever changed my life and will continue to due so. I held my dad as he took his last breath, I miss you and love you pap!!!
The urges have came back after being gone for almost two years. Running has been the answer along with eating whatever I wanted to overcome the disorder, but even still the symtoms have repeapeared. I have strong indication it has to due with it being the holiday season and my dad being In heaven. The fight is real it really is one day, one run at a time. Eating disorder too drugs I overcame it all. I am greatness!!! Beat the odds!!!
Sometimes I think maybe I can just be a little bit better, but failed relationships and lack of love is something I seen for years. It may never come and that bothers me deeply inside. The only thing I know the last few weeks have been hard especially hoping my mom is okay. I have talked to God and ask him to keep her safe and Dad I even swallowed my pride when frustration came and sent a text I love you. For the first time in 32 years I feel all alone just me fighting to survive.
The food cravings have been bad for the last few weeks especially the last three days, it scares me to have these thoughts and concerns. Maybe devil is trying to fight me off knowing how close I am to everything I dreamt. Dad I was going to a meeting earlier and started crying thinking of you, I miss you pap.
I am excited I will be doing the children’s sermon at church Sunday, I just found this out so I’m like really lol. Everything is gonna be just fine have an idea and I’m gonna run with it and even add a couple sprinkles off Passion and enthusiasm. Today has been like a wave up and down not feeling my most confident, hugely to do with my runs not being great this past week and not able to get in that happy feel good place. Feeling optimistic about the weekend and what it shall bring I know I’m ready for great things to come in my life and even better yet I’m feeling confident they will. Do quality work and enjoy life is my Misson.
I get told often I share to much and tell my deepest truths, I’m not gonna disagree but let me enlighten you. Being isolated and left alone as a kid led me to using music to disassociate to where ever I dreamed to be. This behavior is something I still do until this day and is hugely why I am ok with being alone. I escape but sometimes I wanna experience and that’s when frustration sets in. So I love attention because for so long I never got it. My junior year in high school I remember being made the fool for April first, somebody wrote me a letter and said it was from some girl who had a crush on me but that was not the case at all. I got home with excitement and called the number on the number paper to realize it was all a joke and there was no girl just a fat kid with a big head. This is therapy to me it’s how I take off the chains and shame, I never choose the circumstances their for I have no shame. I know the positive attention I get helps me and I sure hope my stories can help someone else in the process. You can’t break what’s been broken!! One life on this earth I’m making the most of it by the way I live my life and treat others.
Christmas week has been a lot tuffer then expected from my dad being gone, feeling alone and unloved too old eating behaviors showing up. My confidence has been down drowning in sorrow. I asked myself early why am I not good enough and I don’t blame my ex for not being with me. Running has been below average,I am getting plenty of calories and my sugar keeps getting low. Control their as not been none in any facet of my life the past week. Beat down and abandon would best describe this week for me. Everyone posting presents from their parents well me not so much, my mom shared she couldn’t afford anything for me this year. Part of me is frustrated with gratitude and wanting to receive.
So often we are judged for what is seen instead of what’s real. Judgement of a person based off social media or possessions they own is like judging a whopper based off it having lettuce and saying it’s healthy for you because it has lettuce. I always hear about who I am or someone else is but I must ask, are you only seeing the behaviors and expressions of the person with out understanding the why! We all have our own story and no human being should ever question who you are, because that’s simply none of their business.
The run was not bad today, when I got too the third mile the tears started flowing as I glanced at the lake. Kinda hard to believe its December 24th just felt like yesterday was may 10th. Life is fast thats why I must remain moment so I can focus on what I can do and change.
I was thinking to myself this evening I need some more dress clothes, shoes, sport jackets etc and not even minutes later I started thinking I need a house in a better neighborhood. Where are these thoughts coming from I thought to myself, the atmosphere and then I quickly realized it was not but it was the perception I had of myself in that moment. It’s so simple but yet profound that I am happiest when satisfied with what I have, not wishing of a bigger house or even a better wardrobe. Contentment is key for internal happiness and compassion is spiritual sucide.