Recently I have been frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted by life. Everyday has seem to be a struggle run’s have not been as good and my imagination seems to not allow the dreams to be as clear. Wanting to gain better perspective of understanding some of my want’s are unrealistic and stemming from thinking errors that go deeper into infertility. Really I know nothing I acquire will be maintained unless I change some of my unrealistic expectations. The harder the struggle the bigger the breakthrough.
It’s been almost a decade since I lived here and many memories and emotions often come through my mind. It’s weird I use to wanna be seen and show off, now it’s almost i don’t want anyone seeing me. I don’t know if this is where I am suppose to be but yet I am. What’s next I often ask myself and often I feel life is on repeat. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Sometimes I feel worthless and disgusting like who wants me after everything I experienced assuming people view me as a freak. I continue daily to tap into my imagination and pray to God I am doing what he wants.
My cats are my everything I love them to death. Yeah I know a 32 year old man and his two cats, yea thats me. Sometimes being lonely is the current situation but lonely is not real with my babies. It’s not manly to talk about my cats well I beg to differ, I think it’s the measure of mans heart to be able to take care of his animal. Every night cookie lays next to me cuddled in my arm and Cam acts as the big brother and lays at my feet almost as he is protecting us. I don’t have a lot but what I do have is Cam and Cookie.
Why the accient you from down south, I remember the question and the feeling it always brought. Smart passive aggressive comments would always follow after I would respond with with my head down. I was a white kid who only has black friends, that was my environment and where I felt most accepted. I remember as a kid I would play sandlot football at a local park and the white kids would call me “nigga fat” those words will never be forgotten and neither will those individuals who say them. I just wanted friends to fit and now only wanna stand out. I am not here too stick it to the haters I’m only here to bring hope to the misfits. Growing up was never accepted by kids because of how walked and talked, now I stand for the broken, the traumatized and all those struggling with something. My voice is full of passion and energy that stems from the pain. My mission and purpose to keep children safe from being victims of childhood trauma. Preventing adverse trauma will emanate the symptoms that fill your newsfeeds today.