If you know my story you know about my struggles with eating disorder through the most of my life. Eating disorders are a silent disorder but is just another form of addiction. You know the same story looking for confidence and increased self esteem lead to losing 100 pounds in a years time, to abusing steroids and becoming obsessed with my physical appearance. I will share this their are times when I wanna binge but In those times I run or write, it never totally goes away but it can be put in the back of your mind instead of controlling it. For the last two years I have had no episodes I kinda just what I want staying at a certain calorie intake daily. Sometimes I gotta tell my self limit the healthy food and yea I know the healthier the better but not with eating disorders. I make sure i eat some crap and healthy I just look to find my own balance. Even to this date I struggle to go grocery shopping for the week, for the fact I don't like having food around me in excess. I will go to the store usually on a daily basis to get what I am eating for the day. I will talk about how eating disorders come from childhood trauma and how they effect the brain, in my new book.
Thinkknh about you pap I miss you dad! Talked to uncle Jeff this evening I was thinking to myself I wonder if I sound like my dad I sure hope so. Life is so fast I constantly tell myself enjoy the moment enjoy being able to do the everyday tasks that life requires. Tryinh to get prepared to get through the next month with your birthday coming up and mine just 3 weeks later. I was thinking about when you stoped at moms the week before Christmas last year, it's probably I drove the truck over there yesterday and thought to myself it's been here before. Daddy I love you buddy!! Everyday I get up and fight for you and seem to operate a little different now... #IPromise
Companionship is something everyone needs and desires no matter what they may say. To be loved by a significant other is one of the most empowering state of mind, it gives you a calmness that everything is gonna be okay. I am not just talking about sex, I am taking about a feeling of I love you and it's more then physical I just wanna hug you so tight.
I drove your truck today and just started crying, like damn it's been 4 months. I thought about that summer last summer when I was running and I called you to come get me because my sugar got low and you said let's go get some pizza. No matter what you were doing you would put it down for me. Yesterday I was thinking of this man and today he appears at Kroger and he asked how you were I told him your heaven laughed with him as he said your dad was sweet guy. I walked off and cried. I love you dad sometimes it feels like people wanna see me fail and attempt to attack me but I keep fighting and hanging in there. I come as one but I stand for many I stand for you dad. I walked this house tonight and screamed this is our home. I love you pap.
4:30 pm may 10th me sam and the nurse prayed over you and I remember that prayer like I spoke it yesterday. I promised you dad i would be a man and commit to doing my best and live the rest of my life making you proud. I am handing bussiness for us pap as I feel you would want. Your sons a published author and will not settle for nothing less then greatness.
Its Saturday pap ,I went and paid your house payment ours know. Got some yard work done, the foundation is filled and the grass is growing good I put some straw down to help keep the moisture in for the grass seed. I was gonna pick up some top soil for where grandmas old swing was around the front tree. The back porch is off and the plan is to replace the front with a wood deck. I was cutting the grass and started thinking about Jon pap so I gave him a call to tell him I was thinking of him. Sometimes crying is the best medicine. I Love you Dad!
labor day and I am here in a funk, thinking how I want change but also realize I need to change. I guess I am just tired you may ask what tired of doing the same thing every week tired of working two jobs tired of Facebook part of the reason I deactivated my account. Career change I need so desperately I enjoy helping and serving but no longer want to be my stream of income. I am not lonely but realize if I don't wanna be alone my whole life I must get better as a man. Change is coming very soon!