To be honest I do get scared. They know where I am at and that's hard to handle sometimes even thinking about it makes my body have a chilling reaponse. I pray and think my dad is here with me and God is protecting me. Hoping I am assuming wrong that the car that's been hanging out across the street has no no affiliation with my past. I sit outside the house I grew up wondering will I be okay or is the unknown near. I am scared for my life.
This was over 3 years ago the week after I bought the camero cash and put rims on it hrs after leaving the lot. It changed nothing it deliverd some quick fulfillment and got me some attention I so desperately desired. I was like hey look at me I am the man, please someone come love me. Love is an inside job! I been fat, skinny, had 100k in my bank account to living out of my car and the feelings of insecure and inferior where the same. I will tell you this and it's my mission statement when you at stop harboring your insecurities you can no longer be held captive. With that being said know God created you with purpose. I don't look at what I don't have but instead look at the skills I do.
Every time I do yard work I put on some Marvin and Elvis, that usually leads to tears. I stopped put my arms on the fence and thought this ain't real it really can't be. I went seen ED Friday he asked me how I was holding up, i replied missing you. Mom has not talked to me a lot since the funeral it's made this process a little tuffer but I know you would say love your momma JJ. I love you dad, this weather brings back a lot of spring memorie. 59 is next moth I been thinking about your birthday a lot pap.
Why am I who I am, something I have thought about today. I guess it's like this I have spent a life time with social awkwardness and isolated, I don't want knowone to have to feel some of these feelings of loneliness and awkwardness. Raise awareness of course but to create hope for the hopeless is my purpose. My dreams may never come true but Gods purpose for my life will be carried out. I want the next generation of kids like me to beable to capture their dreams and goals. I hope my word and passion can give a foundation of hope to every young person who has experienced some severe trauma hope.
i drove you truck today right last the blade as you would of dad. Scared cause I know I can't mess up their is no safety net, since you been gone I operate a little different. The one that loved me most is no longer here to protect me. Just playing back the days and hours before you met God. I'm uncertain about a lot at the moment, i remember some of the final words you said to me "don't worry everything is gonna be okay, it's not that" tears coming down my face thinking of that moment. Today I have
been so hard on myself asking why don't I have more and why am I not doing more and why am I always alone. Dad I love you!
Perfect is not real and now is really perfect. I make this promise to myself now we live life it's time to travel more and enjoy now. I know one thing for sure that life is passing day by day and I look back and I am still waiting. I advocate for myself just live boy sounds like something Buschia would say. Now is the time!!
It seems like every time I wanna write I think of you. Dad I just got home from running enjoyed some beautiful scenery, took some pretty pictures. I had allergic reaction from your old laundry soap my legs broke out in hives, I guess I should went with my gut and new that detergent was no good. Month away from your birthday and this time has been going so fast I remember may tenth like it was yesterday. I think about your friends I been checking on all of them as I know you would, I texted Jonny he told me about his dog passing. I have busy couple months ahead but know matter what I will remember to carry my self with grace and dignity. I love you I miss you and can't even believe this is real.
God sees everything even when man is blind . Humanity can only see the physical with a glance, but god sees the heart and the grace you live your life with. I pray and give him my upmost trust that he will never steer me wrong, God is the reason for my existence and desire to love. People ask me why do I have such a big heart like it's something that hinders me. I have recently put a lot of thought into who I am as a man and realize i am great, just Jesus my heart is pure and love is unconditional. Empowering young men to be more Christ like by the way they conduct themselves is what I belive God wants. Not just remembering scripture but live out the word by mannerisms, yes ma'am no sir and even thank you or I love you. God is the only judge of character.
I never knew if it would ever come out, I decided it was time. My body feels scared knowing something is going on but this feeling has came before. When adversity comes the body becomes cold, numb and ready to operate in fight or flight. I see it so clear like it just happend moments ago, police lights in my rear view mirror. I was facing prison time for trafficking illegal substance scared and not knowing what to do I asked god to help me. He showed his hand and gave me a second chance. I take life so serious for the fact I almost had mine taken from me. I live my life with this principle, leave who or what I come into contact with better then I found it.
The last few weeks have been great but also an emotional rollercoaster. Not knowing what I wanna do in my career and personal life has brought me some frustration. I am open book just a guy who spends a lot of time alone.