I miss you so much pap! My protector my dad! Just trying to make you proud everyday by the way I carry myself. I just wanna go back so I could lay with you one more time. Hear you say I love you son. Since you been gone it has shook me and made me short life on earth really is. Know waiting to live from now on I live everyday as it's my last. Forever I will live as a representation of you and make you proud of who I become. I love you daddy.
The higher the ace score the more the left brain is effected also meaning more education struggles the left brain controls so much of cognitive ability. Comprehension, grammar, balance, short meomory, punctuation and even fine motor skills which ties into the diagnosis of dyslexia. The right brain becomes the go too some what the way of survival. Overcompensating becomes the normal, using an ability to articulate and create becomes a way of life. Insight and intuition carry us to survive it's almost as if one side is crippled. Some of greatest musicians, artist, photographers, poets and motivational speakers are right brain dominant.
I had the opportunity to think about what exactly leadership consist of today. The dyslexic IEP student that I am broke it down like this Lead-er-ship, lead move first be the example, er every and ship as in one unit.
Lead by example demonstrating properly and everyone will come together as one ship.
So often success I measured by the house we live in or the car we drive but I am here to say that is not the formula of measuring success. The goal is to be happy and if you are ain't that a success! Well your probably thinking well nice things make me happy, I get it! No item can give you true long lasting success any thing we can put are hands can be taken away. Happiness is when your just happy to be you and you wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Let me ask you this are you happy with you? I think once we can answer that with yes and then we can say that's success.
The last three months have been the most challenging time of my adult life. May 10th my father went to heaven and my life changed forever, he passed in my arms at hospice 4:05pm. Their has been days I didn't wanna move and times when crying felt like the only thing to do. I found my self asking for support people to lean in to and that has not been the easiest thing. My relationship with god has grown closer, I know my dad is with him and pap is saying watch over my baby. For the rest of my life I will honor my father by the way I conduct my self and treat others.
This morning my anxiety has been kinda high since I woke up about an hour ago. My goal is to have a great day and enjoy the company of others and the work I am able to do. Why anxiety you might ask that seems like a normal goal. I am learning that happiness is controlled only by my own perception and not the circumstances thrown at me. I sit back and look at the times I am not happy and those are the times my ego becomes bigger then God. So this morning I am telling my self it's not about me and I don't need to always be the best. I must understand God is the man not me.
The struggle started when controlling everything became part of the subconscious. Undiagnosed dyslexica and suffering from severe childhood trauma ment there were was a big gap in my education. I didn't know how to separate myself but I used my body to due so. Needing nothing but persistence and determination I got obsessed with weight, waist size and how much I could bench press. Sounds silly but I just wanted to be good at something and known for something. Long story short the shit spiraled outta control and ultimately lead to an eat disorder. Men who have been sexually abused as children are commonly diagnosed with eating disorders. Still to this day I wanna be good at something but I learned i can not overcompensate in one area to make up for the next. I just learned to be a good human not great nothing but loving and understanding.
I love you!!! Yes you reading this! Hugs and handshakes make hearts beat and smiles make relationships real. You may ask why I would be writing this simple conversation with a good friend brought a smile to my face so it was must to get these tears of joy out. I just wanna say if you feel alone your loved and if you feel overwhelmed know God has something great in mind for you, YES YOU.
You said you be there remember that promise you told my dad, your always here for me. I'm 31 but you were my girl when I was 21 and you were 19. You moved on and I am so glad about that like truely happy for you because you deserve the best. You met someone who who can give you the life you deserve. Why say your here for me but just repaear to disappear. Them messages you Sent and that conversation we had you said you weren't happy even shared how you were with him at The aldean concert thinking about me.
That sunrise looks so beautiful, I took it just over a week ago. Run run run I tell my self or even write and write and it will subside. Your probably asking what and simply has been depression that has lead to old eating disorder tendencies. I thought that story ended but more like a chapter to my story. The last 8 weeks have been exetremely taxing on my own mental health from losing my dad to having my mom not say much or show much support during this grieving process, and to add on to it my first love ex girlfriend appeared by myside as I held my dad for the last time on may 10th. The fight has been tuff and even seems to be tuffer as I get farther away from the day he left to go see God. What's next, I ask myself thinking I need a big change or maybe a vacation. I quit using drugs 7 years ago and that time don't compare to losing you. I guess I never felt so alone But like Ben said I need to lean in to Jesus.