I love it but that does not mean I wanna continue to participate in it. I have been overwhelmed this week with self admisintered stress all stemming from work. My mental health has suffered as much as my physical health knowing that I realize I don’t want to do this forever. This weekend I plan on creating a well layed out resume and apply for some positions I could see myself long term. Everyone knows this is my passion but what everyone does not know their is more to me then this.
The last few weeks have brought stress, anxiety, depression and even thoughts of wanting to do something else career wise. I remember running downtown Thursday night and seeing people out eating and drinking enjoying themselves. I just wanted to scream maybe even cry cause I didn’t have a clue of what I was doing with my life, trying to escape in my run my phone suddenly rang and there was Rob’s voice. After 20 minutes of talking as the wind blew through my headphones I started to laugh and even cry about the mistakes we have maken over the years of our friendship. What do I do,maybe I can do sales as in dress nice and use my skills with articulating and then I thought more and said screw all that in a very pissed off tone I am the best speaker my story inspires and I know my shit. God yes God sits me down and says your working for me not the approval of others nor money or attention. As I sit here before I send an email regarding a matter God used me to help serve another family! My story is not who I am, it’s who I became through the fire.
.When thoughts of comparison come and feelings of depression lurk I remind my self of my worth. To able to take this picture last night is so much bigger then me, Not only does it represent Gods anointing but also the ones who have loved me unconditionally most of all my Buschia Janice Gauthier. I often am very critical of myself but often I tell meself I am the greatest. Knowing what I been through Its a miracle I am here just to think I can’t recite my alphabet but yet here I am rubbing elbows with attorneys and other highly credential professionals. I struggle their are times I wanna scream, cry and just plain out yell. Nothing fancy about me it’s not pretty but believe me I am doing this.
Always wanting to be loved by a woman has lead me to trying to hard or looking thirsty and I completely aware of that. Something I am working on at this moment, God sees everything and my time will come. In the meantime I am working diligently to improve my social life by exploring avenues I feared to travel. Less thinking and more living is they 🔑 to overall wellness! I have watched life prior scribing through a news feed, instead of having random conversation with strangers at a coffee shop. One life remember to live it.
I started writing but then realized I better hit the delete button, all that was coming out was bitterness and frustration. I wanted to write so I am gonna try a different approach. Nothing to prove but still I find myself trying to prove something for who I don’t know and surely need to get a grasp on that. Today had some highlights like when I was walking out of the jail and bumped into an old face Deputy sheriff Roger, I shook his hand then gave him a hug. We chatted for 4 mins about work and life, that interaction brought a smile to my face that I will never forget. I know I am all over the place with this writing but when am not 😊. My writing style is just passion mixed with wisdom, insight and middle school education. My paragraphs are not structured well, punctuation can be off from time to time but not bad for I guy who does not even know how to recite the alphabet. Never let your circumstances interfere with your dreams. Your story is needed
Sitting here drinking some coffee praying for a great day with a quality performance in the work place. Stressors a rise but the key is to be open for a new plan of action. These two cats are something else love these two.
New year, same perspective more of the same results. Beyond frustrated and pissed off with myself another day, month and even year have gone by and I find my self fighting just to stay afloat. It may look fancy but it really is not, a life that has been created by a lot of impulsive decisions but yet I still fight for the dreams that play in my head daily. Ever been tired of fighting the same battles I sure am and feelings like these last a day or two them subside. With a glimpse of hope I feel like I am feeling optimistic again but in all actuality I only find hope to continue my way which is not the right way.
It’s been a challenging week 32 and an eating disorder still appears from time to time. 14 years later and it can be triggered by isolation, financial stressors but neither of those seem to be the problem this week. Running has not been good this week for the better lack of words and that is usually is my go too. Nothing has been able to stop impead depression over that last few days old behaviors have been resurfacing by constantly looking at myself in the mirror, looking at my shadow to exam my body image and even feeling insecure in my own skin. These struggles today have pissed me off beyond belief so I am fighting back by announcing my new book will be coming out this summer. The book will cover the stigma behind men with eating disorders and I will reveal my unique eating disorder story.