Last night I edited this photo but couldn't get anything out I guess I was trying to write something for others instead of myself. Expression and outlets can put depression in submission. Struggling last night with so much downtown depression started punching with food cravings and feelings of being inadequate. I sometimes want the long term fix but need to realize there is none, intentional actions repeated over and over is the cure.
i have been asked why do you call your dad pap, my response is look above yeah at the two older guys. See growing up I remember watching Grumpy old men the movie hundreds of times in the living of the house I am in now. Jon the younger of two plays the son and he always calls his dad pap in response to his dads outrageous comments. Funny how I can recite lines from this movie and sequel. Growing up I was never in to nothing but real life movies, even tho this is a comedy it has a lot of at home feel. Old soul even as a young man! I wouldn't ever wanna have no life but mine, I am extremely grateful and blessed to be the person I have become.
Getting a McDonald's coffee before this run and I'm thinking how my frustration with my self can be taken out as it's someone else's fault., for example blaming others for my circumstances. The run. Wax great easy 4 miles after a nice refreshing nap. Tonight I thought how this process has made me more independent and grow with handling responsibilities. My mom has been distance since my dad passed not saying much and having little contact. Dad is gone and mom is distant makes me feel as I'm alone. Their is good I'm everything , yes even in grieving times.
In this house 7 years ago I made decision to stop using adderall and steroids. It feels like yesterday I would lay on the couch all day and then go look in the mirror in disgust with the mess I created. Lifting weights since I was 15 years old at 23 I found the best prework out I ever consumed Methamphetamines, by 25 I was laying on the couch of my childhood home because there was no other place for me to go I was stuck. I didn't know how to workout without using the adderall or steroids so I made the choice to quit cold turkey and pursue what I always wanted. It was simple
i just wanted a wife kids and a nice vehicle and I had none of the above so the choice was easy. Understanding the goal was always happiness and still is, the pursuit of how to obtain shifted. Quiting drugs is never easy or giving up something but when there is a greater purpose it's more then possible.
llaying here waiting to see the chiropractor in hr has me thinking about how I want my back and leg to feel better. Anyways COMPARISON is the devil trying to pursaud you in, as I told someone it is a indirect way of saying not only am I good enough but also saying my parents suck. You must understand your journey looks completely different then your fb friend or even colleagues. The key to killing comparing is embracing your weirdness!
I know I have not been myself the last few weeks, so I figured it was time to stop hating everything and say I am sorry for who I been. Self esteem and confidence has seem
to been at a ultimate low yeah I been a hermit. I watched the I campus earlier to catch up on church, have not attend since my dad passed. Grieving process has 5 stages, I wish I knew which one I was on but honestly I felt all of them the last few weeks as i have been mad, frustrated and even scared. I was suppose to attend a wedding today with a friend but I felt such ashamed and depressed I didn't wanna socialize with anyone. I have no control over my dad passing, so I been trying to control everything else a little tighter and we can say that's never a effective solution. Everyday the past couple weeks have been work and then come home and sleep. I have to get back to my grind and not allow the enemy to keep me isolated. Gods plan is huge but my faith and trust is needed. I am trying my hardest to break through this funk, I will admit it's something I can't describe. Losing my dad is the hardest pain I ever felt and I didn't know it would effect me this much but I do promise I am returning better then ever. I Live my life with a purpose and understand my journey is not like anyone else's. God Bless!!!
The process of losing my dad has affected me more then I can describe, from going to bed after work to bring insecure and ashamed of my self. They say this part of the process, but I wish it could be over already. Having peace is my only goal and restlessness is the only that's been obtained. Alone is how I feel even tho my feelings have been I don't wanna be around people partly because of the inferiority I have had towards myself the last few weeks.
sitting here in this office at work crying missing you so much. I thank you dad for delivering her there to comfort me, you know that's what my heart wanted and you knew it and god delivered. Listening to 5 more minutes by Scotty and I wish I had 5 more with you. Wish life had a rewind and pause button.
For the first time I am not the one giving optimism and hope to other but looking to receive some. The last few weeks have made me very uncomfortable, vulnerable and feeling insecure. Having no control has had me grab tighter but only to come farther from balance. A part me feels ashamed to be down it has been embarrassing process to experience. For the first time a great day has not been on the other side of a run. The feeling of anger and frustration has brought me to tears knowing that's not who I am. Yeah i was down but will never be out.
Weekend hook ups and friends with benefits don't fufill the heart. Growing fonder of the idea I want a special lady but just not any pretty lady. Love I hear is good for the heart and blissful to the mind, maybe the reason the craving is at a high. Seeing my dad pass in my arms made me realize a lot, like there is more to life then the superficial and that love is the strongest blessing. A pretty girl of course i want one but more so I want one who wants to enjoy the great things of life together. Seeing the beauty of nature and grasping the moments that are so precious.