Looking forward to putting personal inishigt into a writing this weekend touching on obesity and addiction. This weekend looks like a lot of running and even more ubering 😊. I drove by Maher street and seen the house my heart skipped a beat. I am enjoying the loft but struggling to let go of the past seems to be the story of my life. I have been of Facebook for almost a week and it feels great not to be sharing observing everyone live and not doing so much myself.
Before I get started I would like to share not many will probably read this as much as past writings of mine, do to not sharing on Facebook. Social media well at least FB steals my time and makes me appear very desperate with positive woman. The choice was made to delete FB from my phone including the messenger. My way is not working ; story is not over tho adjustments need to be made and pressure needs to be applied. Ever since I was a kid I just wanted to be noticed and always had dreams that were a little unrealistic like pretending I was Mike Tyson in the early 90’s dreaming that would be me walking to the ring. What’s been done can’t be undone but the present can be created by intentional actions done daily.
Their is only one and I am him! White kids from my neighborhood are on drugs, in jail or posing to be loved. I found my own voice and decide I will be a creator instead of a consumer. My voice is filled with passion and it says fuck that everyone else life...
Have you ever noticed your self thinking about past relationships and experiences, I know I am always thinking about somebody but why!! The answer is not complex actually pretty simple; I look back when I don’t see nothing forward hoping the past will still accept. Even when the past was not all that great at times I want, but let me tell you I don’t want it. Acceptance that’s what we want the feeling of being wanted and valued.
Sometimes I wonder if I should feel so stressed everyday and the sometimes is more like all the time. I am tired of having horriable anxiety and thinking about work outside of work. Some days I go home and just wanna cry and feel like I am nothing and just a few days later I see the work and assistance I provided make a direct impact on someone else’s life and the feeling that gives is indescribable . I question myself weekly is this what I am suppose to be doing is this what God created me for.
Finished up a run and here I am sitting in my car in tears in a Kroger parking lot. May 10th 2017 God appeared in that hospice room, May 12th 2018 he reapeared through a phone call. I can’t explain everything that was said but the man I spoke to had me thinking that I was living in a scene from the movie “The shack”. I am a vessel of God through the way I live my life and this life is purpose driven a purpose God wanted me to serve.
I was diagnosed with sleep apnea years ago this was at a time I was at healthy body weight and fit. stigma behind the diagnosis is obesity, but what got me really interested in this was when I noticed people struggling from addiction commonly had sleep issues. So is sleep apnea real well of course it but it often mistaken for anxiety. Brain wave activity is still very high with while sleep because anxiety does not sleep. The physical body is resting but the brain is undergoing disruptance do signals it’s receiving all from past experience. So yes childhood trauma is a red flag for sleep issues, trauma linked to addiction and anxiety create sleep disruptance often diagnosed as sleep apnea.
The pain is the fuel, I never want success I just wanna create results. I was up at 5:30 am working and now it’s 10:05 and I am back it, I don’t believe in business hours my grind is full time. Refusing to be outworked is how I operate, excuses don’t create results. Fear is the number one cause of failure and I refuse to be scared of what I deserve. My past is my past and my family is my family it’s not perfect better yet it’s been messy, none of that has a damn thing to do with my present. Coming to get everything thing they said I could not have.
It’s not a good feeling matter of fact the shit will numb your body and lead your mind into a depressed state. Sometimes I wonder why do I only attract what I don’t want, is it because what I attract is a reflection of self. Being unwanted and not loved has me questioning so many things like why do I have to be different and why do I have to have big dreams.
A kind soul that is soft spoken I will always be that. The passion pours out because I seen a woman’s passion my grandmother spill over fighting for my wellness. Life’s struggles will probably never subside but I will never quit. People say I am always so busy and that’s because I am survivor and grinding through weakness is what is necessary to survive. To make it simple I wanna be loved and valued for who I am and what stand for.