Tired yeah and seem to be busting at the seems. This cloud has been getting darker and darker, I am trying to use my imagination but all I hear is get excited for it but this dream is as close as you will come to it. Trying to make ends meet and still enjoy life is not an easy task. One thing I do know I am terffied this is it , terffied my life will always be struggle. I am tired!! So damn tired!!!
People haved asked how been in the prior weeks and my answer has been staying busy. If I was asked that now I would prob say not at my best. I am thinking about you Dad and all those child hood memories come to mind. The scariest thing is just weeks ago we where laughing and now life has ended on earth for you. I am so scared now and worried about this being my only time one earth and I wanna make the best of it. This makes me revaluate my life and how I need to get so much better. The last couple days have been so tuff Prozac can't cure the depression and running has not been the same. I was suppose to go to Beckys today and didn't I felt so like a loser. Rob invited me to his family's home I drove by but didn't get out the car, I felt so much shame for not being more and having more. Was talking about school and wow the fear is real what if I can't manage my time, what if the dyslexic wins and I fail.
When you look at the picture you think of someone's baby, a kid enjoying childhood. But what you don't see is the traumatic experience going on behind closed doors. When thinking of addiction drugs come to mind first, but that's part of the problem. See you are made to believe drugs kill but in actually trauma events kill, the events of others actions kill. I could go on for hrs about this and probably compile a book, but what I am trying to express is that keeping a safe environment for your child does more then any support group could ever.
Trauma epidemic is gonna have to wait my heart is not in that place at the moment. Took your clothes out of the bag from hospice and held up to my nose took a sniff, tears came down my face and yelling seem like the only option. I love you dad, as I drove to the house this evening everything just seemed as dark as the clouds appeared. I wish I could bring you a coffee and eclair.
Laying here on the floor thinking how I can't wait for life so settle down and welcome structure. I guess it comes with life but routine and structure is what I am craving. Neither thrive or coffee seem to be the fix for energy, I am just wore out mentally and physically. Wanting to create but too tired to try. No I have not found a good woman friend and I know an ex is never the answer. What's God telling me whatever it is I'm engaged and ready for his commands. Happiness is what I desire and love is what I dream of....
May 10th the day left me and God showed he believes in me. 4:05 pm my father left to go spend eternity in heaven, where smiling is required and love is the language.Ed sheeran photograph played as I squeezed you and said dad don't leave me, nurses came in as I yelled. 5 minutes passed and I seen somebody I have not seen in years and at that moment I knew God coordinated everything. My heart is broke but my heart is whole.
I was running this morning and after hearing Inky talk about going to meet Oprah, it became something I wanted to
do. Why not chase a dream, take books to Chicago and hand them to everyone who walks in her studio why not. What's the worst that could happen nothing. A woman who overcame sexual abuse and so many other circumstances to be an American icon is 5 hrs away, why wouldn't I go knocking. The epsisdoe with the 200 men that were sexually abused as children, that made me know I had to meet the woman who brought this to light. I'm going to Chicago!