It’s been a year since this photo was taken and that don’t even seem possible. Dad sometimes I think I’m living your life but I realize I’m living the life ment for me with your heart built in me. I miss you man it’s hard to process you not being able hear your voice, sometimes I listen to your old voicemails. I’m running in 3 weeks 26.2 for you!!!! I am nervous about the race and distance never went that far before but I know you will be with me and believe me I will think about you the whole time. When the the run starts to wear me down I’ll cry thinking of the those final moments.. I’m gonna give them hell DAD!! FOFRICH!
We know about drug abuse what about self inflicted abuse. The desire to control something long after you had no control. No it’s not fancy talk about but eating disorders ruin life’s and have higher percentage of caused sucides then depression.. Eating disorders and distortion in body image is a major symptom of childhood sexual abuse. There’s no medications that prevent ED behaviors even though some SSRI’s are known to help treat. But what’s really going on with eating disorders why can’t they just be repaired through therapeutic interventions, that’s what I wondered for over a decade. I gave many efforts to analyze and solve the ED behaviors with spuratic results. The answers can be found in neuroscience how brain development is affected by childhood sexual abuse, what I mean by that their are certain regions of the brain that are affected when a specific trauma occurs that causes the same sort of behaviors. I reference sexual abuse due to it being the most common found in my research in eating disorders. #Traumabehindthediagnosis
Dropped someone off at firehouse subs today, it made me think about when you sent me there last year. This season has me reminiscing about old times with my dad. The scary thing is life is going by so fast! I walked in the house early and thought deeply I survived another day, like really I keep this roof over my head , maintained my health and actually took care of myself another 24 hours. Hearing Brian’s voice today brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. Brian and I spoke for about twenty minutes, as he talked Buschia appeared in my mind it was like she was talking through him. Grown up now i can’t believe I am independent man, didn’t think these times would come but they have arrived over the last year. Losing my father changed life forever from perception to behavior.
You can start tired, depressed, anxious and even worthless but I can promise those feelings will be long gone. The run is where I escape to when I feel no hope, after 2 miles I usually have left my present and drifted into imagination. I call it my “Go too” cause it’s where I go too when adversity appears in the forecast. Music various from county, Christian, hip hop and even old rythem and blues, but one constant remains the same HOPE felt through every step.
We do recover, it looks differnt because our behaviors change. Blue collared working people who realize our recovery is about God and not us. We don’t brag about the impacts we have made, however we do cry when someone’s life is changed. I tell people what Jimmy V said years ago everyone deserves to feel all emotions cry, laugh, feel loved etc. My big brother said don’t be the wave be the ripple! What that means to me I don’t need the pat on the back from the media, i know the ones i am service to are the only people that matter.
While running this morning I thought deeply about why I have been in such a crappy mood the last 48. To be honest with ya I have had so many positive comments the last two months, my ego was getting bigger then my head and that’s saying something. Losing focus of where the blessings come from and they are from him not me.
The last 24 hours have not gone the way I desired but they have came and gone. Frustrated with everything at the moment I just want my dreams to come true. My day is coming is what I am told , I am pissed frustrated why am I not getting opportunities to speak all over the world. Vulnerable, transparent and raw is the formula to greatness.
Watched the icampus this morning and it was much needed for my overall well-being. I struggled to stay focused on the message as my mind would drift to other worry’s. But when Ben was getting near the end of the service he shared on Gods dream and plans for our life’s, I was instantly realigned. The last week I have been so caught up in the grind and me me me and what was next. What is gonna be differnt, I lost focus of him and his purpose for my life. Enevy and jealously was starting to get to me this week and all I thought about was when am I up. The answer is now I’m up to due to the work of lord not what I want. Starting now know competition with peers and more collaboration.
Broken is broken it still may work but you know in the back of your mind it’s damaged. I shouldn’t say it when I am it. Just a broken guy trying to give life everything I got, I wanna cry I’n frustration for not being able to break through. Fuck it I am crying I’m tired of being average, tired of not living my dreams and speaking all over the world. Was gonna go run to feel better and I just said to myself what’s the point!
Friday night and I’m wondering what changes if nothing changes. Run run run seems like the only solution part me just wants to cry another wants to scream. I can’t believe a year ago we were at st Vincent’s hospital talking and calling family updating them on how you were, now I’m just sitting in your house wondering is this all my life is ment to be. I seen dr Baker today and he shared his dad passed the first of the year I told him I remember being a kid sitting in his dads dentist chair. Part me feels like I will never feel true love that might be why I fight for everyone struggling in life so they can feel what I never have. Love you 2 Dad living this life to make you proud.