Frustration might be understatement today, when you know your value you want compensated for it. The dream is big to speak all over the world and I know some people can’t compare to my skill set when it comes to public speaking. Friday will be year since my dad went to the hospital and never came home, maybe that has triggered emotions deeper then I can touch. Today I have not had the desire to run I told my self i will get some miles in before work. Life is moving and I question am I or just simply waiting. I pray big, dream big and aspire to make big change towards all humanity. What’s next I ask but I gotta remember who I am asking and that is god this his life he’s using me to serve a purpose and will move me when he feels proper.
These two are my babies! When I look back at old photos of when I was little boy i always seen a cat in the background now I am 32 and they are here. I think you can measure ones heart by how they interact with animals. I seen my dad talk and love his cats like they were humans he talked to them as they would respond. The authenticity of a mans soul is rooted into how treats all gods creations. When my cats are having fun playing with each other I smile, when they don’t feel well I hurt.
Research is key to unlocking the doors that can’t seem to be opend. My research so far has lead me to believe intamicy and relationships can be a trigger, due to my past childhood experiences. Being optimistic is how I survive so I have faith there is a special one out there that will not set those symptoms off but better yet make them subside.
Speaking about what I love is all I wanna do, yes I wanna travel the country talking about childhood trauma and addiction for my career. Sends like a long shot but I want it to become my life. I don’t know what the next couple months look like but I have faith God is opening new doors.
Running towards everything I ever dreamed of! Today I drove home from work and Dad I had a moments when I just started crying thinking of you, I love you old boy. I talked to uncle Jeff yesterday told him about the car and told him I was gonna drive down there to see him and his lady, I asked him if you ever went and seen him in Kentucky he said “no” well you will be with me so we are going together. Next week will be the one year anniversary of when you went in the hospital. I will tell you this I am stronger then I ever been before.
Somtimes people message me asking if I’m ok, sharing they read my latest blog post. I’m fine, survival of everything encountered in life you would be a little different too. Everyday is a fight to make it survive and do better then what’s expected of me. What’s normal to me might look differnt then others based off perception of normalcy. There are times when depression is in the forcast, I just hold on fighting with everything I have inside of me. What looks like a mess to some is the life I was given, my deepest passion comes from making sure the next generation behind can have so much more and not experience the adversity. I’m doing fine by all means I don’t judge myself based off the next man. When measuring my success I look at the adverse traumatic experiences I have faced and tell my self people who have encountered simular circumstances have given up, in jail or dead.
Starting right this moment I’m not just writing I am doing more and gonna be very intentional with actions. It has been a pretty boring weekend, I have not done nothing out of the normal which is the usual. Every week I imagine experiencing some great trip nothing fancy just beautiful scenery, my running shoes and encounters with great people. No matter what it takes it’s happening , no more waiting to experience life. I’m telling my self in an intense manner it your time!!!!!
I can’t speak for everyone but I know how i feel about relationships, i understand a relationship can’t fill a void you have to be able to feel and be okay being alone. I wanna be with someone who makes me feel safe and secure emotionally. What a person gives me mentally is superior to anything else. Sex is okay but it’s greater when it means something deeper then physical gain. I want a classy lady who respects herself and more then anything makes me a better man. Your lady needs to be your best friend, therapist and biggest supporter.
Back in 04 and 05 I remember when I would cut my face for attention I just wanted someone to know how bad I hurt. Seeking love I just wanted to be held. Death was always on my mind, I knew I never would kill myself but always had thoughts. External cuts are to show the emotional pain we all suffered. if you have a loved one or client cutting, give them a hug and your undivided attention not medication.
As I ran last night so much was on my mind i thought about my good friend Jamie, I was like she is the my modern day Buschia. I really have been questioning myself and what I can do differnt to get better. Do I need to go deeper and try even harder to improve. It’s Saturday morning and I’m just thinking about traveling and wanting to explore, but also know if I wanna do that something in my life has to change.