So tired of being of tired, those feelings come and go. Wanting figure out a way to make the most of the new life (life after adverse childhood trauma). Stuck and looking to graduate to the next level of life, the life I never had and always wanted so desperately, Wife and kids or even finical freedom. The chains must be ripped off and the thoughts must subside, I will be the best be me for me. We all deserve happiness and we all can obtain it but we have to learn to change our thoughts which will create momentum to change behaviors...
Eating disorders start like this, one thing I noticed majority of people who are really are into bodybuilding, lifting weights have came from being very skinny or being very overweight. What's the reason what do we have to prove. We need to control something, cause the loss of control we had as children. Here it is our chance to do a 180
and be told how great we look but those complements only act as band aids, eventually the cuts have to be dealt with. The pain will surface and you will lose the control you thought finally had and unormal
eating patterns will arise. We must change our thoughts, so we can change our behaviors. If the mind is sick the whole body is sick.
Yesterday I was feeling so insecure about the way I looked, I was trying to get to the bottom of this thought. Maybe I need to lower my calories or better yet maybe I need to go tanning that might help me feel better and cover these pimples up. The truth is none of those solutions were there answer, the truth was I needed to embrace myself and love myself. Shirtless people on social media with a tanning behind them screams out inferior and hurt, it's almost like look at me I'm good enough, or love me this makes me loveable.
Just got in from the creek and was a service, that had me engaged but kept losing focus thoughts of happiness and what is it and how do I find kept coming to my mind. Do i go out or do I go home better yet I'm gonna head in and do this WRITE, express and use the story of this life to become my greatest happiness. Never search for what is already in you..
I love you, this fell off the wall and I grabbed it held and realized you must be here. I love my mom and uncle ! I thank you for being the best and never giving up on me. You fought so hard and I am forever grateful for this life and countless opportunities you gave me. You never forgot but always forgave! I remember us talking that walk by Brian's on that dirt road, I said I wanna go home you replied in frustration with tears " you always quit, finish what you started" . There have been times I quit a lot of things but I will never quit on trying to be a better man, improve bad behaviors. I love you , I look at my kitty's and think Buschia would say hey silly cat xoxo...
4734 edgemont in that back room I took a sharpie and wrote my pain all over them walls, 12 years I took that pain and turned my story into a book. Growing up I wanted a big brother a mentor, I was tired being all alone with them headphones in that little back bedroom.. Now I am the leader and will continue to be the voice for all those young people who feel alone..
MR.Obama, thank you! Thank you for being a leader and doing it with class. Dreams come true signing a book that I wrote is proof. Gotta hold the tears back, a life of purpose will always give happiness and a life with abundance will always lead to more restlessness. I love you Buschia and I love your daughter it's good to see mom smile. I just want you to know I will never give up. Xoxo I am your boy forever! If we could all say prayer tonight for those struggling to love their self, all the people who are dealing with substance abuse and all those people whose hearts ache. I ask you to pray with me to heal everyone!! Imperfect and flawed I am!
As I ran I stoped for this moment, this is happiness this is god.
This is life is bigger then us!
Tears fall as i run thinking about running threw the desert carrying the book in one hand and the Alaska flag in another.
Yelling and crying hold that rock where your at.
I am nothing special just a guy with a lot of passion and drive. That eating disorder hit me at 18 years old, substance abuse followed when I was 23. When I say I am great or the best it's not about what I own it's about what I overcame to stand here.
Man I feel so alone sometimes more like a lot of times. Limited social media, few friends and not much interaction besides while working. Faith in the Gods plan keeps optimism in my heart. I clinch my teeth saying I'm gonna make it!!!! Ready for this year and doing what's never been done.