This whole disappointment thing only comes from expectations of perfection or having a distorted perception . Perfect well that can leave now, because I hate perfect every time I think of perfection my confidence shrinks and my anxiety amplifies. Sometimes I don’t even realize how far perfection takes me from authenticity. I am continuing to discover myself more and more daily. Recent it’s been I am goofy I can be absolute clown sometimes like literally a little kid running down stairs on Christmas morning. Being you is being cool and if ever in limbo about who you are, remember that you are the person that says “goodnight mom and dad I love you”.
The weekend has brought many emotions which brought frustration, bitterness and even hopelessness. My whole adult live has been my way and my way does not work, Sounds harsh but trust me it’s spot on. I Have Contradicted my self for years saying one thing but only referencing it because I didn’t have it. It’s time to submit, believe that I can and realize I am enough.
This long weekend has given me time away from the normal work week grind and still my anxiety has seemed elevated more then normal. Waking up daily at 5 am with my chest pounding, thinking about wants and having these thoughts of chasing something. This morning I prayed and asked for calmness and help with being still. Enough I remind myself I am that. Perfect does not exist and love is required.
Yesterday was amazing, know didn’t get a great run in but I sure did catch a high. Being able to coordinate a plan in an effort to give someone hope never gets old. Seeing someone’s tears of frustration and hopelessness can be heartbreaking even more so when you can empathize with their pain. I suck at a lot of shit but one thing I am second to none, is advocating for those who hurt. I believe everyone deserves to feel happiness and all that comes included. It’s been honor over the last year to be able give my heart to helping others.
Only people that I wanna impress is the two in heaven and my mom. Everyday recently I been dreaming so hard about getting the call from the sheriff department telling me to come in for an interview. All I can imagine is my Dad and Buschia up in heaven smiling, that’s all it’s about for me is making the ones who have loved me unconditionally a return on their investment. It’s gonna happen, I know in my heart the call will come. The dream has always been the same have a little JJ and a wife that would be a perfect life. Adversity has filled my life but the dream of being dad and husband has keep me fighting. All dreams don’t have to be about being rich or famous.
Almost daily I think about wants from the smallest things on amazon to vacations and homes. It’s frustrating because you can never have everything and when I think about what I don’t have my anxiety rises with thoughts, of how can I obtain come full circle. Daily I handle this by putting things rational perspective, realizing how much I do have and all the things I naturally take for granted. When I get caught up into the social media I realize the neediness is amplified. I don’t have the best of everything but I am grateful for what I do have.
Change you’re way of thinking change you’re life. Most people know what they need to due including myself but applying can cause challenges. Breakthrough is something I have my mind set on knowing is not enough application is long over due. Praying I get the call yes dreaming so hard that every time I look at the phone I’m hoping the number will appear.
Everyday I dream of the woman of my dreams beautiful, smart and genuine. I always hear your young, God’s timing etc and you gotta be more social etc. sometimes I feel like a weirdo, running, working and lost in deep thoughts no wonder I’m alone. Pray everyday for God to put a good lady in my life and to accept me for my flaws and love my goofiness. Some say I gotta not try so hard and my response is simple I am just being authentic.
Let it be the past is over and the future is bright, praying for a new opportunity. Facebook can be a trigger sometimes seeing post about drug addiction and mental health can make me say stop 🛑 what’s the point. Ego (edging god out) is something that says insecurities so why have one, love yourself and let it be. The pissing match is something I refuse to compete in! Give god all worries and surround yourself with people impeccable people.
How lucky I am! So grateful to have the family I do have. So grateful for a grandmother that showed me what passion and advocacy looked like first hand. So grateful for my heart and the person I am. I have so many imperfections and corks I truely have learned to accept and embrace. So grateful for both of my parents I love them dearly. I know God sees everything I have no worries. So grateful to have the love of so many people I am able to call friends.