Today I got your snow boots out and I as put them on I could see you. Dad I drove down Maher to check on the house everything looks the same, afterwards I found my self getting a large coffee from McDonald’s. Race day is tomorrow, yet I have the flu again and I know I am running know matter what. Last years race was emotional one for me I thought about you majority of the race smiling with tears coming down my face. No PR tomorrow but you can defiantly bet no excuses. Lately I been dreaming of becoming a member of the sheriffs department and seeing you smile saying “that’s my boy.” Ashes going in shoes and you better believe we will give them hell tomorrow.
Today was awesome it brought me so much joy to get work with some of talented people. I was speaking with someone today and in the conversation I thought wow I get why God has brought me through the experiences of the storm. Sometimes I wish had different skilss but today I smiled thanking God and my family for this life. Sometimes I wish I had wife kids etc and then sometimes I tell self he is not done with me yet. Sometimes I fail but always get up again. God sees everything, when I feel alone or even not appreciated I know he is watching. I have been off social media for that past 11 days because I needed to disconnect and so I could reconnect with my faith. I decided to be more social attempting to have real personable interaction, like connecting at church, I have found my self hanging out at Barnes and noble in efforts to connect with Good vibes.
The eating disorder came alive in 04 after high school and that girl left me for another guy. Binge eating and sleep eating became my life for almost 10 years. 2019 differnt day, different circumstances yet those behaviors have been triggered. This month has been a season of frustration! Abandonment is an issue that has scared me, I don’t know exactly where it stems from but have some strong ideas. My biggest fear is that my whole life will be spent this way. Pardon me, but this is more then a blog, journal, poem or even a record this is the radio and these are my stations.
Rejection can lead me to a dark place, not even realizing what it has triggerd. People can be selfish and only care about their immediate feelings disregarding how they act can hurt some. Just cause your a mess does not give you the authority to hurt someone else. I have been told misery likes company well I’ll take a rain check for a date that does not exist. I am renewed but still fragile handle with great care.
Started two years ago and here I am still writing away, expressing as I grow in this journey called life. I never would of thought I would be here from working as QMHS at a youth residential facility to coordinating care through out the legal system, engaging inmates in the Lucas county jail into SUD services. The work is the gasoline that fills my Tank, when I feel empty it quickly pushes me to keep going. To now think what’s in view is truely God. I wish I could hear my dads voice, that old boy would be saying “that’s my baby boy”. Race day Sunday pap, I am gonna put your ashes in my shoes so your with me, even tho I know your always with me.
Last day I been thinking do I really not like going out for a drink meeting people or am I just not good at it. I believe it might be both, but what I do enjoy is running, working out, learning and having meanful conversation. Last night I texted a great friend and told him I was struggling with depression and loneliness. I am not okay with that I am looking for my nitch or sweet spot.
❤️ great song! CedarCreek had a great message today in the living it out devotional. It expressed the importance of keeping your eyes on God and not focusing on the storm your in. I have personally been leaning on God so much asking for his strength to not use instant gratification including all forms of social media and not allowing myself to consume pornagrphic material. Reaching out mentors to mentors when feeling weak has kept me strong and reassured me God is the answer...
It’s so awesome to send me emails that have such significance. Really like who am I why would you listen to me, but yet I am here honored to be working in the community along so many great people. Day 4 of the Fast is almost complete,so far it’s been challenging to give up social media. Instant gratification is not the missing piece, God is. I have been reading the living it out daily and also the Bible app to help keep me centered. The smallest changes create the biggest opportunities in life. Running for the love of running not to post distance and time on social media. I AM ENOUGH!
I don’t know how the hell I ended up here but grateful this is my life. Work has been amazing lately it seems like my energy has been fuiled and I been rejuvenated from my person internal suffering. I hurt at the moment so it has me fighting for others so they never have to feel some of things I do. Day 3 of the fast and I feel okay, reading the daily living out message on the cedar creek app, listening to linkin park seem to be my nightly routine. Great heart, sensitive, passionate, intense,funny, goofball,competior, all words that describe me and that will never change cause I am great...
I don’t wanna date now I am working on me, seems like everyone I have interest in says that. Next thing you know they are dating someone else. People really frustrate me and that’s me being nice. People tell me your gonna meetba good woman at this point I’m thinking why the hell would I want to. Lies, mood swings and emotional roller coaster I’ll pass. Marriage means nothing in a lot of cases just another reason to have a party and dress up. I know this is a bit extreme but I am frustrated and tired.